to continue, i guess

I am not sure exactly what it was that I was trying to get at yesterday. I was probably just avoiding what I really wanted to write about. I am good at avoiding!

I decided to start an online journal as a tool in my struggling weight loss journey. I currently feel like I have lost control of my life. I was in a relationship that I knew was no longer going anywhere, I am dissatisfied with my job and maybe even my career choice, In the middle of training for a 10K I just stopped for no good reason at all, my eating has been super unhealthy, I have lost track of many relationships, both deep and surface level, due to becoming absorbed in that other relationship, I have very little motivation for anything, I haven't been doing so great with taking my meds on time or at all sometimes...I could go on and on. Point is, obviously I have kind of lost touch of taking care of myself. Taking care of myself is the core of my entire existence, shouldn't it be? If I feel good about myself physically, everything else seems a little bit more bearable. It is something that I do in fact have control over and I am totally 100% responsible for it. I don't have to depend on anyone else in order to succeed in the way that I want to in regards to it. I guess that it what makes it different than other things in my life, those three very important things: control, responsibility, independence. They all come into play in other aspects of my life, I get that, just not in the way that they combine themselves when it comes to my physical health, which directly relates to my emotional and mental health as well. After a very long, disappointed, unmotivated, almost waste of a week I decided that at this moment I do not have control of my life in many ways at all. I then proceeded to instantly get overwhelmed but all that I wish to change, to take control of. I need to take it one step at a time. I feel in taking control of one aspect of my life the rest will more easily fall into place.

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have lost and gained and lost and gained 30 pounds or so for the past ten years! Too long. I have made a lot of excuses along the way, making myself believe that I am a certain way and that's that. Honestly, I do not know my physical capabilities because I always seem to stop myself short, fear of failure constantly gets in my way. I worry that if I can't get to where I want to be then it will have not been worth it. It's ridiculous, I know. I feel a bit superficial but this isn't about living up to someone else's ideal image it is about knowing that I can do something, that I do have control over my own destiny and simply about being more healthy. Going back and forth between super healthy and totally unhealthy just doesn't cut it. I always end up back in the same place time and time again. There are many others things that I am working on. I could create an individual blog for each one. However, this is the one I struggle with the most and also the one that I have had the most difficulty talking to others about. It is a somewhat shameful existence, especially the binge eating aspect of it all. I really just want to focus on this part of my life here. I put up other stuff up on my myspace page. I feel the need to explain all of this because I don't want it to appear that there is only one side to me. I am actually quite multifaceted. Just not here, not now.